Why Colonics are the Shit

Would you believe me if I told you that sticking a tube up my a$$ changed my life? I may be a lot of things, but I ain’t a liar. Constipation has been something I’ve struggled with ever since I was 5 years old and my mom was shoving suppositories up my cryin’ ass. The amount of laxatives that I’ve ingested over the years should’ve been enough to fill an entire landfill with shit. I’ve drank smooth moves tea and eaten enough prunes in my day that my bowel movements should be on mf point. But you know what? They weren’t. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I sorted out my shit (wink wink) and found, in my experience, the cure to all of my constipation, bloating, and irregular bowel movements. When I say that having a tube put up my asshole… LOL I’m sorry, hold up. I’m sitting here laughing at the fact that a dude might be reading this right now and being like, “girls….. poop??????” Nah, dude. They don’t, which is why I’m writing this blog post. And I’m loling at how turned off you prob are. Anyways, colonics changed my life, and I am 100% serious. I wouldn’t be publicizing the issues of my bowel movements if I wasn’t being serious. Well. Maybe, I would cus I’m gross. But trust me on this, colonics are life changing and I’m going to answer some of the most common questions about them in hopes to convince all of my constipated friends to get one.

First of all, what the hell is a colonic?

Colon Hydrotherapy is essentially a way to cleanse your colon. Not only is it beneficial for the colon, but it also helps to hydrate your entire body. The procedure involves a colon hydrotherapist inserting a tube that streams water into your rectum. I’ve always been told, when being described what a colonic is, to think about a pipe. Over time, bacteria and waste that flows through a pipe might get stuck around the rim and on the sides creating residual build up. Think of that pipe being your colon. The water that flows into your colon from the tube aims to dilute that built up feces/waste and cleanse/encourage movement within the colon.

How do they work?

I’ve probably had 4-6 colonics in my life and they’ve all gone like this. Typically, I’ll be there for a total of 45 minutes to an hour. I’ll lay on a table, like one you see at the doctors office, with a gown on. The practitioner will have me turn on my side, tells me to relax, and to breathe in and out normally. She’ll then insert the tube and have me continue to lay on my side for a bit, before turning onto my back, to let my body get used to having something up my bumhole. My favorite thing about this blog post is all of the different ways I get to say asshole. She’ll turn the water on and begin “filling me.” Usually, I’ll fill up with water for about 30-45 minutes before feeling like I need to “release.” That’s the term they use for shitting. I find it quite respectable. While I’m filling up with water, she’ll intermittently turn the water off if I feel like I have a gas build up or I’m cramping. Again, usually that happens when I’m closer to releasing. Sometimes, you can see the “debri,” the respectable term for shit particles, flowing through the tube, which is always exciting because you know you didn’t have another human being shove a tube up your ass for nothing. I find this shit (wink wink) so exciting and satisfying guys that I even video the particles flowing through the tube. I’m also really fucking disgusting, but like it’s just good to know that it’s working. Anyway, after 45 minutes goes by, and I have that feeling like when you have the D.A.D.S. on a run and have to find the closest bathroom ASAP, the practitioner will have me turn on my side, take the tube out, and send me to the bathroom to, you guessed it, “release. ”

Where do you get one?

If you search Colon Hydrotherapy, you should be able to find a practice in your area. Some spas or wellness centers offer colonics, however I’ve always gone to a women who specializes in them. If you’re in the Orlando area reading this and interested, go to Lucy. She was my colon hydrotherapist in Winter Park back in Florida and she’s the shit. ;) Her place literally doesn’t even have a name, but it’s on Orlando Ave. in the same plaza as the smaller Black Bean Deli.

Why should I get one and How often Should I go?

This depends on the person, what your activity levels are like, what your lifestyle is like, and of course, what your bowel movements are like. I personally went for constipation and irregular bowel movements. This means that if I hadn’t had a good bowel movement in a week, I would go in. When I was really bloated all of the time in the summer, I went once or twice a month just to help encourage movement, even if I wasn’t feeling constipated at the time that I had a colonic. You don’t only have to get a colonic if you’re feeling bloated, constipated, or have irregular bowel movements though. Another amazing benefit from colon hydrotherapy is the hydration you get from them. Your colon is part of your large intestine, which functions to reabsorb fluids and process waste to eliminate. The water that streams into it can be absorbed and therefore, rehydrate your body. I know people that would get colonics before running a marathon or playing in a sporting event. Personally, the day after getting a colonic I always found that I could run longer and easier because #hydrated. Honestly, any reason to hydrate or cleanse your body is reason enough to go and get one.

What does it feel like?

What do you think a tube up your anus would feel like? Yeah! Not pleasant! Definitely isn’t the most comfortable experience, but I’m going to be honest with you, it isn’t unbearable! If you’ve never had anything up your ass, it’s gonna feel weird at first. It might even hurt a bit (even though it really shouldn’t hurt, should just feel tight and uncomfortable). But I’m going to tell you what Lucy, my homegirl who sticks thousands of tubes up arseholes day in and day out, told me: listen, your body protects you from potential threats and when you don’t normally have anything up your butt, your body thinks it’s dangerous. Your colon tightens and doesn’t want to welcome the tube. However, once your body realizes that it’s getting water and this tube is actually helping your body, you will relax and the tube will feel much more comfortable up there. So, just relax. The more you do it, the more you're body will get used to it, and the less uncomfortable it will feel. It’s like anal. What. Never mind.

How it’s changed my life:

  • Stimulated a bowel movement after going a week without a good one.

  • Reduced my bloating by giving my body more water and letting it know that it doesn’t need to retain any anymore.

  • Made my exercise performance better because I’m more hydrated.

  • Relieved my constipation

Listen, I’m not going to force you to put shit up your ass. Not without consent, at least. In all seriousness though, if you’ve ever thought about getting one, do it. It can only help!

Also, PSA: I am not a doctor! Or a specialist in colonics; so do your research! This is just my opinion and my personal experience with colon hydrotherapy. Here’s an article that can further give you insight on them: https://hippocratesinst.org/colon-hydrotherapy-2